Miss April Advises: #1 Fan, Christmas Present .

Dear Miss April,

few months back i got a new friend. one of my clients at work. A smart engineer, in his fourties. He gives you a serious first impression but as you get to know him, you soon realise he is a fun, social seeetheart. He’s preety cool and i am crazy about his friend !

so recently we met after holidays and he gives me a gift, “just a christmas gift” (he describes) actually a misunderstanding because my colleague/best friend at work got him a present and he thought it was me when i cleared things… was too late, he had given me the gift already… A beautiful enormous red heart, some sort of pillow he bought back home and nicely packed.

heartwarming, i hardly get gifts 😦

Now afcourse i have to give something in return… no surprise here, i dont know what to give.

thinking i have this really cool electronic cigar with nice flavours to go along.(no tobacco)

and i went to ask him. our convo…

Do you smoke? he replied no.
me: Because you can’t or you dont want to? He says: just never been curious, i smoke yes but not tobacco,why?He asks. I said: Because i have something really nice i want you to try. That def made him curious. he kept asking about it all day long 😀 but i never gave him in time because he travelled.

He is coming back soon and now i have to choose, i either give him the electronic cigar or a pen (that might be expensive)

my friends say an electronic cigar is not an appropriate gift for a non smoker but i keep on insisting with this because it will save me less i dont have to buy it 🙂 and I dont think the electronic cigar will hook him up but i also dont want to look like someone who offers things that can be addictive. electronic cigar is safe for me atleast. Oh and I also want to make an awesome impression in his friend with the gift.

Ok my dear miss salvation, help me decide please ? whats your opinion with the electronic cigar ? if its a no then any other ideas …

regards,

your #1 fan xoxo

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Dear Dearest of Dears,

I do declare, I am beginning to know you. Yet, I do not know thine age. What year are you in, my dear? I hear many readers now cry out – what oft this? How does age matter? Well, I’m of the belief that usually the people who claim “age is no matter” are much older men justifying undeclared dalliances. I bring this up because your attention falls upon a man in his forties. Of such a mature age, is he not married? Committed? I say to you, if he is, why on earth is he handing out heart shaped pillows? (I mean apart from learning seduction techniques from the Sweet Valley High series with a babysitter fetish).

If he is not betrothed, in his forties and a sophisticated, connected man of the world, how on earth does he think such a gift would win someone over?

Enough of your coquettishness. Do not prevaricate around the bush. If you are desirous of presenting a gift of an electronic cigar (what on earth is this?) or a pen, why not go all out and just get a penis shaped bottle opener? Does phallic symbolism mean nothing anymore? Forgive me for my maternal extinct, but my suggestion is gift him with a fire extinguisher and expunge this ill-fated dalliance before it has time to engulf everyone around it.

You are bored. You need to get a better hobby then dull old men. With best wishes for your happiness,
Yours,
Miss April

PS. True friends don’t fuck around with ridiculous gifts.

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Miss April Advises: Fracking Frequent Fornicator

Dear Miss April,

My problem is manifold. I have terrible gas & I cant find anyone to frack me.
Who should i look to for relief?

Yours {or maybe not}

Frequent Fornicator

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Dear Frequent Fornicator

Have we not met before? Have I not been graced by your gaumless wit in years gone by? Did I not advise you well by wuthering you off to a life of fornicator’s delight? Wellaway, did this not unfold as you expected? My mirth should not be interpreted as hideous vice, lets just accept merriment is in the air.

Flatulence is no laughing matter and can cause significant distress when trying to locate suitable fracking partners. Well, we are all just searching for love aren’t we FF? Herein I toss my mirth aside and offer you my genuine counsel. For a high pressure lad such as yourself, ready to burst out onto the scene like a larrikin debutante, I would look no further than your next singles night at the super sexy Australian Petroleum and Production Exploration club. I hear they like their dikes big and their veins throbbing. They are salt of the earth people, looking out for their fellow man, and no doubt will only have eyes for you as soon as you and your uncontrollable gas come sashaying through the doors. Don’t fall too deeply in love though, you will feel the earth move, but whatever you do don’t swallow; I hear the water’s contaminated.

Yours in relief.
Ew, I feel dirty,
Miss April

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Miss April Advises: Friends With (Too Much) Trouble

Dear Miss April

Its not exactly heart breaking, but it just wont get off my mind and i thought i need some advice im certain i will follow 🙂

im friends with this guy for a few months now and he recently got married, we both felt attracted to each other kissed once but never dated.

he never told me he was getting married when they where about to get married his girlfriend “now his wife” knew about me and asked me to stay away from her husband or she would quit this wedding and asked me not to tell him she spoke to me. i did what i learned from you, treat her the way i expect to be treated in a situation like that. I didnt think we could actually stay together so i kept my distance and never mentioned anything to him.

they got married and now he is back, he figured things out about his wife calling me and apologised for his wifes behaviour, explaining to me they where not supposed to get married, it was a last minute decision and a very complicated one.

since then things have been strange, our relationship changed its not like how it was before, i miss talking to him everyday, i miss going out with him and hugg him when ever i feel like.

He still insists on seeing me but i always come up with an excuse because i know its not easy for him to have a friend like me and i dont want to do something we regret later on.
but i honestly cant say away from him. I feel this urgent need to make him jealous with any guy friend i have and to get his attention at all times, i feel lonely and sad maybe because i am not dating anyone at the moment.

I think we can continue being friends like old times but its not going to be easy because:

– His wife is very manipulative and will do anything to keep us away from each other, like telling him i said wrong things that i never actually said, and so far he preety much got a wrong idea about how i dealt with her, and i never had a chance to explain to him what exacty happened between me and his wife.
– we both feel attracted to each other, that calls for problems.
– its not a friendly honest relationship and it hurts more than i thought it would.

he says he is not happy yet they have been together for 6 years, part of this unhappiness i am guessing is because of me. as he once told me after meeting me, he fell in love with me and things changed with them.

he was very dishonest to me and her and so was i because i didnt tell him about his wife speaking to me, i was afraid it would make things worst but friends should be honest with each other. i guess i forgive him for not telling me about how serious it was and later on his marriage, because i know deep down he did what a guy in love would do. he knew as soon as i found out things would change and they did.

we never actually dated, kissed once but always been friends i feel like he was the one who put an end through things by getting married. I know i'm not the victim in this story and all the while aware he had a girlfriend fooling myself by believing we are just friends. after all he was in love with me, i wasnt and he had to move on.

but why do i feel like i was dumped? Oh miss april, should i be friends with him or move on even though i’m not ready for that? if i have to move on any advice in how i should do it without hurting anyone?

looking forward to hear from you

yours,

Friendswithtrouble 😦

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My Dearest Friendswithtrouble

I do feel a special bond with you, particularly after our last conversation. I believe my initial advice to you was “other people’s fiances do not make good boyfriends”. Let me expand on that further by stating: other people’s husbands do not make good boyfriends.

Quite frankly this young man sounds like an utter scoundrel. Do not pity his emotional dilemma, that is not your burden to bear. My advice to you is – run for the hills!

You say that you can’t stay away from him. Well, my dear, to put it plainly, yes you can; and that is exactly what you will choose to do if you have a skerrick of instinct left for self-preservation. Do not worry about hurting your gentleman friend, for he has been no gentleman nor no friend. He has behaved in a manner according to the worst kind of bad egg. Is he in love with you, is he trapped by a manipulative new heartbroken bride, is he….stuff and nonsense. Quite frankly it doesn’t matter as it bears no consequence to your outcome. You have been treated poorly, and you do not need to empathise with his situation. You need to leave it.

There is no escaping your heartache. You will feel it, but know that eventually it will pass. Do not try to avoid this necessary pain by making short term decisions that can have even worst long term ramifications. Character is everything, and the only way to judge character in our friends and lovers is through their behaviours. This character is not what you want nor deserve. Be strong enough to accept that and you will come through this pain to find yourself in a far better place to choose a much more worthy suitor.

Thinking of you in this time of need.
Yours,
Miss April

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Miss April Advises: CF – My Boyfriend’s Fiance

Dear Miss April

You probably read this a few times before…

I need your precious advice, i’m friends with this sweet caring guy for a few months now, we both live and work in the same place and yes i’m one of those dedicated friends who’s ready to help with anything… plus we had chemistry with that we got closer to the point of kissing once, aware that he has a girlfriend, i made it clear that it was a spur of the moment act and it can’t happen again he told me he thinks his in love with me.. but i couldnt say the same because i felt it was too soon to be sure of that and i am seeing other guys aswell a few days ago he went home for holidays and recently his girlfriend texts me asking me questions about my age and what kind of relationship i have with him… she said she saw his phone and we chat alot but its always sweet friendly conversations it was the first time i spoke to her, she told me they are getting married soon and since they have a distant relationship its hard for her and she wanted to quit this relationship because she thought he was cheating on her with me. she asked me not to tell him that she texted me. i said i knew about her and i insisted we are just friends, and she can’t quit because he really likes her and i know all about them but i honestly dont know, i had no idea they’re getting married! i didnt know it was as serious as the way she describes… i dont want to be the reason they break up. I think he likes me but we dont have a future together and she is probably expecting i should get away from him… its her right, she is the girlfriend, for his happiness i can back away but i don’t know how because i dont want to hurt him.

she still keeps on texting me, asking me if he ever told me anything about her and saying “maybe i am placing you in a complicated situation, but please try to understand my side”

can i ignore her or speak to her and answer her anything she wants to know i want to help but i fear she starts to harass me or makes me feel guilty because i don’t know her… should i tell him about it?

please please lighten my burden miss April 😦

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Dear Miss CF

Other people’s fiances do not make good boyfriends.

Young lady, the first step you have to take in order to make good decisions is to be honest with yourself. Is your dedication to the friendship not slightly tinged with attraction? Your practical side declares that you have no future together. However, here we find you, in the midst of a traditional turmoil of the trio.

I suggest to you to ignore excuses. It is the coward’s path to avoid difficult situations with the pleasing excuse of not wanting to hurt others. Perhaps concentrate more on what is the most honourable act to undertake, because I assure you people are already hurting. If his fiance is forced to approach you with such candor, this speaks of her inability to find the honesty and reassurance from him. This does not have to be your problem at all, but you obviously do feel some responsibility and empathy. I would suggest you respond to her as you yourself would want to be treated in that situation. I would suggest you have every right to be as equally honest with him. I also suggest that you then leave them be. Ultimately, they should be speaking with each other and you should not be involved in what is essentially an intimate affair of the heart.

Personally I find it quite astonishing that an obviously dishonest young man can allure two seemingly open and thoughtful young women! In both friendship and marriage, your partner’s character is key. As always, don’t shy from the probing analyses of yourself and others.

Well wishes to you all.
Yours,
Miss April

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Miss April Advises: H – A Respected Friend

Hi April

i will try to be quick.

i kissed a guy who is in a relationship with someone else, and i told him i have a boyfriend too but its not serious… but i don’t. this guy happens to work with this other amazing guy.. Andre that i wish was mine and i was expecting i would meet him and sweep him off his feet but now that i kissed his colleague who has a girlfriend i don’t know my chances.

it didn’t want to make him cheat his girlfriend.. i did help him a lot recently and maybe thats why he felt attracted to me but it wasn’t my intention i really care about what his friends think of me and i wonder if there is any way i can still keep my image as a decent respected friend..

any advice in how i should handle this situation.. please

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Dearest Sweet H

I am wildly assuming from your sleight of hand that you are of a younger generation to my good self by at least a century or thereabouts. So, you can imagine my delight that your misdemeanour did not contain the vileness that is sexting, nor the obscene modern obsession with over-sharing. A kiss. A simple kiss. Something so innocent, so easily overcome. Yet, you realise that might not be so. A kiss always has meaning – ever so shallow or ever so full.

Why did you kiss him? Why did you lie about having a boyfriend? These are of course completely rhetorical questions. I confess I don’t happen to be that interested in the answers myself, but you should inspect your motivations and know thyself. Those who know themselves can often solve their own problems, and make much better decisions next time.

I feel your regret, but what has happened cannot be undone. To appease your guilt, and to salvage your friendship with Mr Kisser, tell him the truth or close to it. Make light of it, let him know that you still like him as a friend and how foolish it was that you kissed each other. What a harmless, silly mistake say you with a laugh. Oh yes I agree, hopefully he will say feeling relieved that you won’t tell his girlfriend. Tell him that it was a spur of the moment act which neither of you want to repeat, but you value his friendship and hope you both can get over this mishap. Do not apologise. You have done no more wrong than he, and do not let your regret take on the burden of complete responsibility.

How to explain the nonexistent boyfriend? Hmm, this is tricky. It will look rather strange if you admit you lied about having a boyfriend, but then if he believes you have a boyfriend then he might tell Andre, and then they will think you are 1. unavailable for a serious relationship and 2. unfaithful. This is the gist of your worry? I say, go for complete back down. Come clean, let him know that you don’t really have a boyfriend and you are embarrassed to have said it, and not sure why you did. For that fib, say sorry. You thereby place yourself in a position of discomfort, this is not easy and does display a fine character. If a friend can not appreciate this, and forgive, then perhaps he was no friend to begin with. Don’t dwell on it though. This phase will pass.

The difference in your behaviour now will reflect the difference in your true intent. Do you want to save your image of being a decent and respected friend? Or, do you want to actually be a decent and respected friend? The former provides leeway for deception; the latter’s demands are more rigorous and true. One rule of thumb, simple but effective, treat your friend as you hope a friend would treat you. This ensures that whatever the outcome, you at least know you have done your best.

Best of luck in friendship and love,
Yours,
Miss April
Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips – Shelley

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Miss April Advises: Help Didit, Help Me!

Dear Miss April,

A childish prank has got slightly out of hand and left me in a bit of a pickle. Quite an embarrassing pickle as it happens. Due to a serious miscarriage of justice, I find myself residing permanently in the local lunatic asylum. Do not upset yourself over this. It is not such a bad life. The problem arose when I decided to bring some excitement and laughter into the very dull lives of my fellow inmates who do little more than rock back and forwards in their chairs all day long or scream at the invisible people in the asylum. I felt certain that having entered the asylum kitchen and laced the staff luncheon with a mixture of strychnine and strong laxatives, a good deal of amusement would be provided for the inmates. Strychnine as you may know causes severe convulsions and of course laxatives have a single purpose for which they are most effective. The two combined are guaranteed to cause a good deal of hilarity (except of course for the person who has ingested the mix). The problem arose when I decided to add something special to the event by setting fire to the mattress in my cell. The mattresses we use are quite old and tend to be stuffed with horse hair and goodness knows what else and create a thick black cloud of toxic fumes when burnt. I have accidentally pulled the door of my cell behind me and it has locked. I cannot attract the attention of the staff who are otherwise engaged after having enjoyed their luncheon. I cannot extinguish the mattress and a cloud of toxic fumes is spreading slowly toward me. Dear Miss April, what should I do? I would appreciate your wise advice at your earliest convenience. Yours hopefully, Alfred Didit.

Dear Mr Didit

Oh, alas, wellaway, Mr Didit, wellaway….

I am overcome with self-loathing as I must assume that sir, you have passed. It has been a good week gone now, and unlike those who have been born in a modern age, I do not visit the lights of my computer regularly. I am often sitting in the garden for days on end, waiting for a lover to run over the hilltop – poetry, flowers, sunshine, my life is an imagination taking place outdoors. It is my utter disgrace to have left you locked indoors amidst your fiery hellish doom.

Alas, you have passed. My dear sir, may you find peace.

However, for those who are reading and find some similarity in your circumstance let me help you thusly. For God’s sake, use the fire extinguisher. None about? Use the woolen blanket. Throw it over the flames to smother the oxygen, hence suffocating the red dancing demon. He is gloating you know.

Now let me address some more serious pathologies of lovely Mr Didit. Death is not entertainment except to the psychopaths. Psychopaths do not need advice, they do not accept advice, they do not deserve advice. Those of others who are in bedlam but are not psychopaths are not by default dull. Oh no, they are most likely very ill and just trying to survive.

From your enjoyment of the combination of poo and eccentricity you reveal yourself as an anglophile, or merely a British Royal. Bravo, sir. You have made it to the history books. If you did not run and jump, escaping through the closest window into the murky moat, or as suggested used that lovely woolen blanket as a saviour, then I bid you farewell Sir. Life has come, and life has passed, and perhaps we are all the safer for it.

Remember Didit, fire and sexual repression go hand in hand, so hands off,
yours, Miss April

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Miss April Advises: Hair Affair – snow-fro sex.

Dear Miss April,

I’m going out on a limb here, but I am thinking of dating a man with an sno-fro.

However, my issue lies not with the ‘fro’ itself but rather the silhouette of the afroe mentioned man when post-coitally wet. In polite and sometimes impolite company his often buoyant locks and joi de coiffure fill the room.

Should we unite as one of backs and cracks, and spend a dream loosened from the stream of lucidity, then shaken in the fur light of the morning as tulips wilt or weep, one can be taken to flee at the sight of a freshly showered poodle. What was once a throng of bubbling follicle froth is suddenly a limp moist tonsure tossed from the tub in lost hope.

Of course I hypothesise as the scene of my distress is still a play to be run but the problem lies in that the cast are ready to mount the stage and I can only see one act. What should I do?

Cordially yours

Hair Affair

Dear Hair Affair

Bravo to your cocksure wordsmithing! Continue to wax lyrical like Lord Byron and I might be out on a limb myself if I were so endowed.

There is such familiar comfort for me in your combination of confidence and pessimism in the face of good fortune, it reminds one of….oh yes, you must be Jewish, Neurotic, Catholic, an over-analytical stuck-up aesthete.

You are contemplating dating a snow-fro gent; let us assume that he is willing to accept said scenario and we have two protagonists in this play of life. Surely your admiration of him runs deeper than the personification of his natural bouffant? But already you fear a limp, flaccid snow-fro will have the equivalent effect on your desire…for an encore.

The most important piece of advice I have for you here is that if post-coital meeting of the secret gardens you aren’t both sodden messes you clearly aren’t doing it right. To be sure, I would not underestimate the resilience of a genetically formed snow-fro, nonetheless if it does metamorphose it is your duty as a lover to allow uninhibited vulnerability. It is your duty to yourself to allow the same for you. Or else, where’s the fun?

My second piece of advice may have more lasting significance. I say this to you – enter stage one with the true intentions of a thoughtful Thespian. Introduce these characters to each other; get to know them, allow the inhibitions to dissipate along the journey, and leave the consummation for the finale, by which time even if the snow-fro turns into a bathmat it may do so without fear of repulsion, merely the sense of satisfaction for a job well done.

Break a leg Hair Affair, may pleasure be your applause,
Most affectionately, Miss April

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