New Year’s Resolutions: Me, Me, Me!

Oh My Goodness, it is the last moment of the year when we can squeeze in those final drops of thoughts and words all about our dearest selves in the 2,015th Year of Our Lord. Let us not dwell on lessons learned (or nearly), let us think about us, and what we can put off until tomorrow!

Welcome back to our annual tradition and a Bonne Année Mes Amis from us all.

  1. Auditory beauty, let it be nurtured and lived this forthcoming year.
  2. No person of decency, still less delicacy, will be guilty of a double entendre. A well-bred person always refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just the degree called for by such interpretation, and no more. – ‘Decorum: A Treatise on Etiquette and Dress’, 1880 (and Miss April’s Bible).
  3. Double entendre – deliver them often, wittily and well. Laugh with a cheeky chuckle or a riotous raucousness, depending on how much champagne has been quaffed.
  4. Style over fashion, always.
  5. If it is within your power, ban all shorts.
  6. The wearing of flat lace-ups on a lady is not to be celebrated. Be mindful of commenting upon them as no doubt the wearer is obliged to don them due to catastrophic injury.
  7. Listen.
  8. Vulnerability is not a dirty word, in fact, it could save your life, but it requires a fearless kind of determination and a lot of practice.
  9. Your behaviour does not lie.
  10. Wear more turbans. Now add jewels. Do not forget the drapery.
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    To love is to love Nature for we are but a small part of her and need her desperately. Best wishes to you and your loved ones. Stay tuned for 2016!

Miss April Advises: Frequent Fornicator (Again!), Data Retention Ills.

Dear Miss April,

I have a technical problem, I think. It’s not the medication like last time.

Any way I thought this data retention thing the government was offering sounded great. My hard drive is so slow, due to the enormous amount of images and films I like to have handy. Those things take up digital space and not in a fun way.

So excited by this govt cloud that just keeps everything on your computer in the free Canberra archive, I deleted all my selfies and auto videography. I don’t seem to be able to access the data retention cloud however. It’s a real problem. I have potential new friends on Tinder, Grinder , Emission Impossible and other social networking sites I’m desperate to share some of my most impressive and ,dare I say , unrepeatable personal events, that I managed record ,mostly unassisted.

Is there a back door I can access? A password I’m missing ? I’ve tried the education ministers office as communications ministers a bit busy and all I got was a shrill giggle. Must have been a very wrong number.

I need a new way in. Any ideas ?

Yours (for now)
Frequent Fornicator

Yours truly having a jolly good time drying my plums.

Yours truly having a jolly good time drying my plums.

Why, if it isn’t my dear friend Frequent Fornicator. It has been some time, my dearest. It bears me well to hear from you, although I’m somewhat flummoxed by the plethora of unknown words which you present.

Data retention sounds like a most uncomfortable ailment for which I recommend a spoonful of cod liver oil and a plump Oriental Agen prune imported via the Silk Route (only the best!). Repeat daily for at least one week (if Our Lord can summon all of creation within 7 days than by golly we can cure data retention and rest for Sundays). No doubt you’ll locate the backdoor access once you feel more yourself.

"Can't take any more data...must have prunes..."

“Can’t take any more data…must have prunes…” Image: The Art of Brandis

In terms of passwords and ministers, self-portraits, moving images, clouds and new friends; I’m quite sure you’ve got yourself the solid setting and character structure for a damn fine penny dreadful. Just remember, “you have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide” so says our trusted Government spokespeople, or was that Joseph Goebbels? Who can tell? (Insert guileless titter). Using that logic you must be our Government’s ideal citizen – you want to share EVERYTHING! Good for you, they should use you as poster boy in all future political campaigns. Placard reads: Frequent Fornicator has nothing to hide and votes 1 Liberal/Labour/EitherOne – Hoorah for political activism!

Yours in the clouds,
Miss April

Postscript: My neighbour just enlightened me via tête-à-tête on the use and purpose of grinders and tinders. Stuff and poppycock. I offer you to consider this instead, an excerpt on courtship advice:

Anciently, talismans and charms were relied on for procuring love ; “but it is now many years since the only talismans for creating love are the charms of the person beloved,: By gracefully displaying those advantages which nature has given, and by diligently cultivating the graces which art can bestow, every man may reasonably hope to succeed in whatever aspirations he may form in this direction. In this field, moral qualities prevail far more than physical ; and while few men are possessed of those attractions of form and face which sometimes are successful, all may hope to acquire those qualifications of character, understanding and manners, which more often win the esteem of woman (or man) (or voters – hint hint Party Politicians).

Heed Miss April’s Advice!

Unburden your woes, share your troubles, correspond with Miss April here! Shh, confidentiality assured!! You can Tweet Miss April and like her on Facebook!

Miss April Advises: #1 Fan, Christmas Present .

Dear Miss April,

few months back i got a new friend. one of my clients at work. A smart engineer, in his fourties. He gives you a serious first impression but as you get to know him, you soon realise he is a fun, social seeetheart. He’s preety cool and i am crazy about his friend !

so recently we met after holidays and he gives me a gift, “just a christmas gift” (he describes) actually a misunderstanding because my colleague/best friend at work got him a present and he thought it was me when i cleared things… was too late, he had given me the gift already… A beautiful enormous red heart, some sort of pillow he bought back home and nicely packed.

heartwarming, i hardly get gifts 😦

Now afcourse i have to give something in return… no surprise here, i dont know what to give.

thinking i have this really cool electronic cigar with nice flavours to go along.(no tobacco)

and i went to ask him. our convo…

Do you smoke? he replied no.
me: Because you can’t or you dont want to? He says: just never been curious, i smoke yes but not tobacco,why?He asks. I said: Because i have something really nice i want you to try. That def made him curious. he kept asking about it all day long 😀 but i never gave him in time because he travelled.

He is coming back soon and now i have to choose, i either give him the electronic cigar or a pen (that might be expensive)

my friends say an electronic cigar is not an appropriate gift for a non smoker but i keep on insisting with this because it will save me less i dont have to buy it 🙂 and I dont think the electronic cigar will hook him up but i also dont want to look like someone who offers things that can be addictive. electronic cigar is safe for me atleast. Oh and I also want to make an awesome impression in his friend with the gift.

Ok my dear miss salvation, help me decide please ? whats your opinion with the electronic cigar ? if its a no then any other ideas …

regards,

your #1 fan xoxo

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Dear Dearest of Dears,

I do declare, I am beginning to know you. Yet, I do not know thine age. What year are you in, my dear? I hear many readers now cry out – what oft this? How does age matter? Well, I’m of the belief that usually the people who claim “age is no matter” are much older men justifying undeclared dalliances. I bring this up because your attention falls upon a man in his forties. Of such a mature age, is he not married? Committed? I say to you, if he is, why on earth is he handing out heart shaped pillows? (I mean apart from learning seduction techniques from the Sweet Valley High series with a babysitter fetish).

If he is not betrothed, in his forties and a sophisticated, connected man of the world, how on earth does he think such a gift would win someone over?

Enough of your coquettishness. Do not prevaricate around the bush. If you are desirous of presenting a gift of an electronic cigar (what on earth is this?) or a pen, why not go all out and just get a penis shaped bottle opener? Does phallic symbolism mean nothing anymore? Forgive me for my maternal extinct, but my suggestion is gift him with a fire extinguisher and expunge this ill-fated dalliance before it has time to engulf everyone around it.

You are bored. You need to get a better hobby then dull old men. With best wishes for your happiness,
Yours,
Miss April

PS. True friends don’t fuck around with ridiculous gifts.

Heed Miss April’s Advice!

Unburden your woes, share your troubles, correspond with Miss April here! Shh, confidentiality assured!! You can Tweet Miss April and like her on Facebook!

Miss April Advises: Wendy Ngo, Public Art Confusion.

Dear Miss April,

I almost crashed the Cayenne the other day. I was careening down Victoria Parade with the kids Ipading in the back and nilly had a conniption.

Theres a huge pile of Lavender steel holding up a gold George Jensen neck brace, two cartoon gunners in Lavender and a flock of olympic or gay coloured ufos. Really I dont care just choose youre side ladies, Putin/ Hair you choose. I found out later they were coolie hats. I had Jacinta google it on her Iphone5. The city of Yarra web site is very proud of these shallow cultural strereotypes. I pride my self on only being shallow for myself. I find it horrid in others.

OMG, its OMG awful. You seem to be able to explain public art. You cleared up the swarofski thing at the cultural centre. I was excited by the bling power but you are right it was a bit not shiny enough for any of us. Can you tell me that this thing is? Its like a vomit meets a car crash meets a thai restaurant interior. Can you tell me why its there? Can you tell me why it cost $3million [ jacnitas iphone, I was driving] and the electric cables are still showing. I have nice looking electrician if they need one.

Oh and whats with the tigers, this things not even in richmond, well one is, but really?

Hope you can help, i hate googling , it hurts the nails.

Your bestie

Wanda Gno.
East Melbourne

Hoddle Street Gateway by Avant Garde artist collaborative group "the community, the local business association, & the 3 tiers of government ". Think Girls on Speed combined with Pussy Riot, with fervent Richmond football club supporters and committed literal interpretation devotees.

Hoddle Street Gateway by Avant Garde artist collaborative group “the community, the local business association, & the 3 tiers of government “. Think Girls on Speed combined with Pussy Riot, with fervent Richmond football club supporters and committed literal interpretation devotees.

Dear Wendy Ngo

How delightful you (and your little brood) sound. I am so very honoured to be the recipient of your lyrical prose worthy to be presented as a gift to the gods, most assuredly. I have sashayed down Victoria Street many a time during the past annus mirabilis under my parasol, waving to the opium traders, stepping over the tracksuit wearers, admiring the beards imbibing in the open-windowed bars, and satisfying my delicate lady appetite with fragrant banquets of 6-8 mouth-watering dishes. I must admit I have been so confounded by the Leviathan and its many hats and accompaniments that they don’t seem to register in my long-term memory. Accordingly, I am as equally perplexed with every venture to the precinct of which I am so fond. Your correspondence therefore has provided me an opportunity of reflection and repose. I must know myself as I relate to the discombobulation that is known to be The Victoria Street Gateway Project.

My first revelation Mrs Ngo is that you are quite mistaken to view it as public art, as much as one assumes that giant sculptural and pictorial representations placed on public land is often assumed to be such. I also made a similar misassumption , and was at first keenly eager to discover who was behind this Avant Garde artist collaborative calling themselves ‘The Three Tiers of Government’ who had worked so closely with the other band of creative bohemians the ‘Richmond Asian Business Association’ and ‘Community’. Oh, my heart was all a flutter at the thought of discovering the identities of these foreword thinkers, cultural philosophers, and creative chieftans. Alas, I was shocked to discover that they were quite literally their namesakes and no professional artists were involved in this process at all. Ah, now that makes a tad more sense. Now that we gaze upon the Gateway with this tidbit, of course, NO ARTIST INVOLVEMENT AT ALL, and…the penny drops.

For what need do we have for the mind of the artiste when we have a successful architectural firm capable of designing award-winning buildings? The true creative here my demure Wendy is in fact Gregory Burgess Architects, who has proven themselves to be extraordinarily talented designers of celebrated buildings. Herein lies the quandary – their most literal approach, which must have served them well for architecture, does not perform well in translating culture into inspiring art. In fact, nowhere does The Victoria Street Gateway Project ever refer to itself as public art. So it appears it is suffering from a terrible crisis of identity. It is a construction, a gaumless literal creature.

You see, the gateway represents a boat (well, you know Vietnamese refugees, boat people arrivals, you know..). Then of course, we have traditional Vietnamese hats represented by, well.. big hats…suspended above. We are also presented with a light box panel of green bars (bamboo) with two “welcoming” tigers. Now this is a departure, as there are very few to no tigers left in Vietnam, so what is the deeper meaning here? Conservation? Species extinction? Oh, wait, football – oh how I laugh, so quaint. Thank goodness it only cost 2 million. Discretely I wonder on the ‘inclusive’ properties of declaring one’s sports tribe on a broad community gateway, but who am I to question such things, as the representative of the Richmond Asian Business Association declares: “Everyone has to support Richmond. If you support Collingwood that’s a different story. People boo us.” Ahh, welcome brothers and sisters, see how we represent you so. Halt Wendy, do not complain, for God help us they will probably stick a Magpie up there as recompense and that would just be too much to bear.

Then we also have aluminium panels fixed to the railway abutment walls, get this, you’ll never see this coming – another boat ! Plus, a traditional Vietnamese drum. Golly, I haven’t seen such dedication to literalism since Marcel Marceau. I am only surprised they restrained themselves from buying massive amounts of take-away rice paper rolls and just nailing them directly to the wall. Or perhaps suspended neon spring rolls could be a later addition, and let’s go crazy by putting up some sticks to represent chopsticks.

Do not misunderstand me, I celebrate the oeuvre of literal interpretation, some of my best friends are Westboro Baptists, and of course, I am a fervent practitioner of Literal Interpretative Dance, a most powerfully creative physical expression of the musical lyric.

Sunshine = widespread fingers, both hands move outward from a centre point.
Rain = wiggle fingers while moving hands from a raised position to a lower position in front of body.
Happy = beaming smile with open hands framing the chin, keep fingers wide.

Do not avow my dry descriptions here best exemplified by interpretive dance extraordinaire Johann Lippowitz.

But I digress.

The Victoria Street Gateway Project is a noble goal conducted with honourable intention (I assume). It is most definitely public, but sadly does not reach it’s potential as art. Do not lament though Mrs Ngo, we must all learn that potential is often nary fulfilled, and tragically beautiful opportunities can be lost forever such as a drop falls into the tranquil stream of lament. However, the three tiers and business posse are sure to be happy, and the gapeseeds will no doubt reinforce their predetermined vision. There is naught to be done. Acceptance can be a powerful mindset.

Do take care of those darling children,
Yours,
Miss April

rice-paper-rolls-large

Heed Miss April’s Advice!

Unburden your woes, share your troubles, correspond with Miss April here! Shh, confidentiality assured!! You can Tweet Miss April and like her on Facebook!

We Are Resolved to have a Happy New Year!

Dearest Revellers, here we find ourselves again bidding farewell to one year and ringing in the new! Thank you for your warm visits and we hope you enjoy our authors’ annual compilation of deepest profound resolutions.

1. Abide by Miss April’s advice, at times mordacious but stubbornly right on the button.
2. Revive the art of and re-popularise the billet-doux.
3. Never, ever compromise one’s true worth for the sake of lust nor money.
4. Refuse to consume anything proclaimed to be ‘Fat-Free’; insist on your right to full-cream, full-fat wholesome deliciousness.
5. Know Thyself (or at least for your sake and others do your damnedest to try).
6. Science.
7. There is a time and a place for procrastination, and that time is not now.
8. One’s Winter gloves must not succumb to the pedestrian. Style, Style, Style!
9. Pursue a most beautiful and sincere vocabulary in order to touch the hearts of others, influence those to treasure nature and life, and to share unselfish truths.
10. Always remember that Love takes time where Infatuation rushes in, much like Fools.

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Amongst the bonhomie and bubbles, the memories and loss, always remember – be kind to find happiness! Happy New Year!

Resolutely Resolved Resolutions to All, and a Happy New Year!

Thank you for another year of visiting us and glancing upon our humble words. In suitable tradition our annual list appears courtesy of the MOLAM contributors. Let us know if any are added to yours!

1. Gesamtkunstwerk.
2. Dedicate more time to personal grooming, adhering to the ‘not a hair out of place’ rule.
3. Do not rush; ladies never rush.
4. Become more vocally less tolerant of intolerance.
5. Carry a folding hand fan within one’s purse at all times during the warmer months.
6. Commit to said hand fan for personal cooling incorporating a dancer’s-like grace to the flick, open and flutter as a public performance.
7. Louis Vuitton products post-1936 will no longer burn one’s eyes; they are deemed invisible from this day henceforth.
8. Balance one’s library realistically between the aspirational book acquisition proudly displayed and the well-read secret pleasures that win no favours at dinner parties but genuinely satisfy one’s heart and mind.
9. Lovingly finish the beautiful hand-knitted scarf dedicated to the vulnerable neck of one’s new born baby; for God’s sake they’re 7 years old now.
10. Cucumber sandwiches.

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We wish you a most satisfying 2014 whereby your desires for a safe and prosperous future for yourselves and loved ones articulates itself into valiant and meaningful action for the future of all. Bottoms Up!

A narcissistic list of New Year’s resolutions for the superficial self.

The MOLAM blog authors have combined to offer some suggestions for this year’s resolutions. We hope you enjoy them!

1. Wear more lipstick.
2. Reduce sparkling wine intake.
3. Increase champagne intake.
4. Introduce a hat into one’s fashion repertoire.
5. Source the perfect scent to become one’s signature perfume.
6. Research obscure lyrical adjectives to create a more enigmatic vocabulary.
7. Memorise Baudelaire verses and inject into conversation wherever possible.
8. Post complete collection of shoes online.
9. Vocalise the constant internal battle between one’s virtuous and profane selves, as if it somehow makes one’s existence more profound.
10. Refuse to love oneself more for fear it will turn oneself into a hideous dullard.

We wish you a most prosperous 2013 whereby your existence and efforts create a happier and safer world for yourselves, your families, your neighbours, and the future. Happy New Year!!

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