Miss April Advises: Fracking Frequent Fornicator

Dear Miss April,

My problem is manifold. I have terrible gas & I cant find anyone to frack me.
Who should i look to for relief?

Yours {or maybe not}

Frequent Fornicator

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Dear Frequent Fornicator

Have we not met before? Have I not been graced by your gaumless wit in years gone by? Did I not advise you well by wuthering you off to a life of fornicator’s delight? Wellaway, did this not unfold as you expected? My mirth should not be interpreted as hideous vice, lets just accept merriment is in the air.

Flatulence is no laughing matter and can cause significant distress when trying to locate suitable fracking partners. Well, we are all just searching for love aren’t we FF? Herein I toss my mirth aside and offer you my genuine counsel. For a high pressure lad such as yourself, ready to burst out onto the scene like a larrikin debutante, I would look no further than your next singles night at the super sexy Australian Petroleum and Production Exploration club. I hear they like their dikes big and their veins throbbing. They are salt of the earth people, looking out for their fellow man, and no doubt will only have eyes for you as soon as you and your uncontrollable gas come sashaying through the doors. Don’t fall too deeply in love though, you will feel the earth move, but whatever you do don’t swallow; I hear the water’s contaminated.

Yours in relief.
Ew, I feel dirty,
Miss April

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Miss April Advises: Friends With (Too Much) Trouble

Dear Miss April

Its not exactly heart breaking, but it just wont get off my mind and i thought i need some advice im certain i will follow 🙂

im friends with this guy for a few months now and he recently got married, we both felt attracted to each other kissed once but never dated.

he never told me he was getting married when they where about to get married his girlfriend “now his wife” knew about me and asked me to stay away from her husband or she would quit this wedding and asked me not to tell him she spoke to me. i did what i learned from you, treat her the way i expect to be treated in a situation like that. I didnt think we could actually stay together so i kept my distance and never mentioned anything to him.

they got married and now he is back, he figured things out about his wife calling me and apologised for his wifes behaviour, explaining to me they where not supposed to get married, it was a last minute decision and a very complicated one.

since then things have been strange, our relationship changed its not like how it was before, i miss talking to him everyday, i miss going out with him and hugg him when ever i feel like.

He still insists on seeing me but i always come up with an excuse because i know its not easy for him to have a friend like me and i dont want to do something we regret later on.
but i honestly cant say away from him. I feel this urgent need to make him jealous with any guy friend i have and to get his attention at all times, i feel lonely and sad maybe because i am not dating anyone at the moment.

I think we can continue being friends like old times but its not going to be easy because:

– His wife is very manipulative and will do anything to keep us away from each other, like telling him i said wrong things that i never actually said, and so far he preety much got a wrong idea about how i dealt with her, and i never had a chance to explain to him what exacty happened between me and his wife.
– we both feel attracted to each other, that calls for problems.
– its not a friendly honest relationship and it hurts more than i thought it would.

he says he is not happy yet they have been together for 6 years, part of this unhappiness i am guessing is because of me. as he once told me after meeting me, he fell in love with me and things changed with them.

he was very dishonest to me and her and so was i because i didnt tell him about his wife speaking to me, i was afraid it would make things worst but friends should be honest with each other. i guess i forgive him for not telling me about how serious it was and later on his marriage, because i know deep down he did what a guy in love would do. he knew as soon as i found out things would change and they did.

we never actually dated, kissed once but always been friends i feel like he was the one who put an end through things by getting married. I know i'm not the victim in this story and all the while aware he had a girlfriend fooling myself by believing we are just friends. after all he was in love with me, i wasnt and he had to move on.

but why do i feel like i was dumped? Oh miss april, should i be friends with him or move on even though i’m not ready for that? if i have to move on any advice in how i should do it without hurting anyone?

looking forward to hear from you

yours,

Friendswithtrouble 😦

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My Dearest Friendswithtrouble

I do feel a special bond with you, particularly after our last conversation. I believe my initial advice to you was “other people’s fiances do not make good boyfriends”. Let me expand on that further by stating: other people’s husbands do not make good boyfriends.

Quite frankly this young man sounds like an utter scoundrel. Do not pity his emotional dilemma, that is not your burden to bear. My advice to you is – run for the hills!

You say that you can’t stay away from him. Well, my dear, to put it plainly, yes you can; and that is exactly what you will choose to do if you have a skerrick of instinct left for self-preservation. Do not worry about hurting your gentleman friend, for he has been no gentleman nor no friend. He has behaved in a manner according to the worst kind of bad egg. Is he in love with you, is he trapped by a manipulative new heartbroken bride, is he….stuff and nonsense. Quite frankly it doesn’t matter as it bears no consequence to your outcome. You have been treated poorly, and you do not need to empathise with his situation. You need to leave it.

There is no escaping your heartache. You will feel it, but know that eventually it will pass. Do not try to avoid this necessary pain by making short term decisions that can have even worst long term ramifications. Character is everything, and the only way to judge character in our friends and lovers is through their behaviours. This character is not what you want nor deserve. Be strong enough to accept that and you will come through this pain to find yourself in a far better place to choose a much more worthy suitor.

Thinking of you in this time of need.
Yours,
Miss April

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MORNING OF THE RESURRECTION.

I am lucky enough to have in my personal library a book entitled ‘The Mourner’s Friend or Sighs of Sympathy For Those Who Sorrow’. It is a collection of prose and verse compiled to give comfort to the grieving. Edited by J.B. Syme, published in 1852 by S.A. Howland in Worcester, Mass, USA; its contents are by American and European authors and some surprising famous names. My copy of the book has some water damage, ageing paper, and precarious binding, so before it deteriorates my project to preserve the words of the authors will find its way here on the MOLAM blog. 

MORNING OF THE RESURRECTION.

WHAT a sight will the morning of the resurrection disclose ! Time no longer ! At the sound of God’s trump, all the dead start from their long, long homes of the grave, and come forth to the judgement ! Many shall awake to everlasting life. The sea and earth shall yield up their innumerable dead. But some men will say, “How are the dead raised up, and with what body do they come ? ” And here Paul illustrates the subject by the comparison of grain, which must die before it can be quickened, and that the immortal body is no more like the mortal, than the blade and full stalk is like the corn which was sown. He continues his incomparable description of the scene : “God giveth it a body as it hath pleased him, and to every seed his own body.” As with the seed, so with the Christian at the resurrection : “It is sown in corruption, it is raised in incorruption ; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory ; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power ; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. : As much as to say, we can no more comprehend the change in the plant than that in man ; but, “as we have borne the image of the earthly, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly.” To the grandeur of the scene in the resurrection, in which the dead are raised from the grave, and their bodies changed to such an incomprehensible degree, that corruption puts on incorruption, and mortality immortality, he makes this extraordinary addition, that those who are then living shall be changed in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, and their bodies of flesh and blood be made immortal bodies ; the saying being for the first time brought to pass, Death is swallowed up in victory ; and all the redeemed, clothed with their house from heaven, break forth in harmonious concert, O Death ! where is they sting ? O Grave ! where is thy victory ?

What a scene, – the resurrection morn ! God gathering home his saints ; Christ come to take his bride home to the mansions he has prepared for her ! For whom are those glories prepared ? for whom those glorious spiritual bodies ? For those who shall have part in the first resurrection.

UNION OF GOOD MEN IN HEAVEN. By Rev. R. Hall.

I am lucky enough to have in my personal library a book entitled ‘The Mourner’s Friend or Sighs of Sympathy For Those Who Sorrow’. It is a collection of prose and verse compiled to give comfort to the grieving. Edited by J.B. Syme, published in 1852 by S.A. Howland in Worcester, Mass, USA; its contents are by American and European authors and some surprising famous names. My copy of the book has some water damage, ageing paper, and precarious binding, so before it deteriorates my project to preserve the words of the authors will find its way here on the MOLAM blog. 

 This is an excerpt from Reverend Robert Hall’s A Funeral Sermon for the Rev. Dr. Ryland who was born in January 29 1753. It appears in the publication The Works of the Reverend Robert Hall, A.M. published in London and also in New York in the same year 1832. A very popular theologian, philosopher, moralist and public preacher Rev. Robert Hall appears to have been a prolific and popular religious figure. Although, he lived and worked in England with the publication of his works in the US he was obviously a noteworthy inclusion here.
Reverend Robert Hall was born in 1764 and died in 1831. An English Baptist preacher from Arnesby, Leicestershire, he was known for his academic achievements at a young age. He spent 15 years in Cambridge, then in 1807 he became Minister of Harvey Lane Chapel.

UNION OF GOOD MEN IN HEAVEN. By Rev. R. Hall.

IF the mere conception of the reunion of good men in a future state, infused a momentary rapture into the mind of Tully ; if an airy speculation, for there is reason to fear it had little hold on his convictions, could inspire him with such delight, what may we be expected to feel, who are assured of such an event by the true sayings of God ! How should we rejoice in the prospect, the certainty, rather, of spending a blissful eternity with those whom we loved on earth ; of seeing them emerge from the ruins of the tomb, and the deeper ruins of the fall, not only uninjured, but refined and perfected, with every tear wiped from their eyes, standing before the throne of God and the Lamb in white robes, and palms in their hands, crying with a loud voice, Salvation to God, that sitteth upon the throne, and to the Lamb, forever and ever ! what delight will it afford to renew the sweet counsel we have taken together, to recount the toils of combat, and the labor of the way, and to approach not the house but the throne of God, in company, in order to join in the symphonies of heavenly voices and lose ourselves amid the splendors and fruitions of the beatific vision !

To that state all the pious on earth are tending ; and if there is a law from whose operation none are exempt, which irresistibly conveys their bodies to darkness and to dust, there is another, not less certain or less powerful, which conducts their spirits to the abodes of bliss, to the bosom of their Father and their God. The wheels of nature are not made to roll backward ; everything presses on towards eternity ; from the birth of time on impetuous current has set in, which bears all the sons of men towards that interminable ocean. Meanwhile, heaven is attracting to itself whatever is congenial to its nature, is enriching itself by the spoils of earth, and collecting within its capacious bosom whatever is pure, permanent, and divine ; leaving nothing for the last fire to consume but the objects and the slaves of concupiscence ; while everything which grace has prepared and beautified shall be gathered and selected from the ruins of the world, to adorn that eternal city, “which hath no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it ; for the glory of God doth enlighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof.”

Reverend Robert Hall by Unknown Artist in the Leicester Museum, England.

Reverend Robert Hall by Unknown Artist in the Leicester Museum, England.

“I WEEP NOT”. By Mrs. Amelia B. Welby.

I am lucky enough to have in my personal library a book entitled ‘The Mourner’s Friend or Sighs of Sympathy For Those Who Sorrow’. It is a collection of prose and verse compiled to give comfort to the grieving. Edited by J.B. Syme, published in 1852 by S.A. Howland in Worcester, Mass, USA; its contents are by American and European authors and some surprising famous names. My copy of the book has some water damage, ageing paper, and precarious binding, so before it deteriorates my project to preserve the words of the authors will find its way here on the MOLAM blog. 

 Amelia B. Welby (1819 – 1852) was an American poet who published two collections of poems (1844 and 1850) and contributed to the Louisville Daily Journal. She died at the age of 33, soon after the death of her only child.

“I WEEP NOT”. By Mrs. Amelia B. Welby.

I WEEP not as I wept,
When first they laid thee low ;
My sorrow all too deep is kept
To melt like common woe.
My sorrow all too deep is kept
To melt like common woe.
Nor do my lips e’er part
With whispers of thy name,
but thou art shrined in this hushed heart,
And that is all the same.

I could be happy now,
Had memory flown with thee,
But still I hear a whisper low,
And memory will not flee ;
A whisper that doth tell
Of thee, and thee alone ;
A memory, like the ocean shell,
Forever making moan.

For how can I forget
Thine eye of softest brown,
With its pale lids, just touched with jet
And always drooping down ;
And thy sweet form of grace,
That went to rest so soon,
And the turning up of thy sweet face
Beneath the placid moon !

I sometimes think thy hand
Is on my forehead prest,
And almost feel thy tresses, fanned
Across my beating breast ;
And catch the sunny flow
Of thy mantle on the air,
And turn to see if it is so, –
Alas ! thou art not there !

And I wander out alone
Beside the singing rills
When nothing but the wind’s low tone
Come stealing down the hills ;
And while along the deep
The moonbeams softly shine,
My silent soul goes forth to keep
Its blessed tryst with thine.

I weep not, though thou art laid
In such a lone, dark place,
Thou, who didst live without a shade
To cloud thy sweet young face ;
For now thy spirit sings
Where angels once have trod,
Veiling their faces ‘neath their wings
Around the throne of God !

They faults were slight, and few
As human faults could be,
And thy virtues were as many too
As gems beneath the sea ;
And thy thoughts did heavenward roam
Until, like links of gold,
They drew thee up to thy blue home
Within the Saviour’s fold.

Amelia B. Welby

Amelia B. Welby

THE STRANGER’S DEATH.

I am lucky enough to have in my personal library a book entitled ‘The Mourner’s Friend or Sighs of Sympathy For Those Who Sorrow’. It is a collection of prose and verse compiled to give comfort to the grieving. Edited by J.B. Syme, published in 1852 by S.A. Howland in Worcester, Mass, USA; its contents are by American and European authors and some surprising famous names. My copy of the book has some water damage, ageing paper, and precarious binding, so before it deteriorates my project to preserve the words of the authors will find its way here on the MOLAM blog. 

THE STRANGER’S DEATH.

THEY stand around the couch of the dying. Who ? I sit the tender mother and idolizing father ? Is he surrounded by sympathizing sisters and brothers, the playmates of his childhood, the friends of his early days ? No ; none of these are near him ; strangers watch his parting breath ; old, unfeeling strangers. No tear of pity bedews his burning brow, no kiss of tenderness is pressed upon his fevered lips, no soft hand of affection soothes his pillow of death. Why is this ? Is he forgotten in the home of his father / he who was once the joy of every heart, the beloved of all who knew him ? Ah, no ! that mother’s prayer is even now ascending to heaven for her treasured child ; all is joy in that home ; for the son, the brother, is returning to his native land. He left the shores of our happy New England, left all that was dear to his heart, with but little regret, for he fondly thought that a few moths would restore him to the embraces of his friends. To the South he bent his steps ; prosperity smiled upon him, success crowned his undertakings, already was his mission accomplished, and he had started for the place of his birth, when alas ! disease fastened upon him and he was prostrated upon a bed of suffering, never again to rise. There, without one friend to comfort, so speak to him of hope, he must pass away to the spirit-land. No prayer ascends from that chamber of death, save from the lips of the dying stranger. Look on that brow. Death as set there its seal, but it cannot efface the intellectual beauty, the soul-speaking expression of his noble countenance. His eyes are raised to heaven, his pale hands clasped in supplication ; for what does he pray ? Hard was it for him to resign every hope of life ; to die, with the first flush of manhood on his brow ; hard to lie down in the cold grave, in the spring-time of existence, and double hard to die far from the endearments of friends, and to leave his remains in a land of slavery and crime.

“O!” said he, when told that no hope remained of his recovery, ” I Cannot die here ; bear me to my kindred ; let me again hear the voices of loved ones, and I shall rest in peace. ” But he, at whose rebuke the tempest ceases its raging, and tranquility is restored to the angry deep ; he, the God of all who put their trust in him, forsook him not, but over the trouble depths of his spirit whispered ” Be still.” And now the strife is ceased, calm and peaceful is his soul : and he breathes that sweet prayer of resignation, “Father, thy will be done.” A seraphic smile radiates his features even in death, a light of no earthly beauty beams from his eye, his lips move and the words “meet in heaven” are faintly uttered, and all is over ; the spirit is with its God, where the weary rest forever.

Peace to thine ashes, my dear, departed brother. Long will they memory live int he hearts of those who love thee, but who may never drop a tear upon thy lonely grave. In the far distant valley of the Mississippi strangers have laid thee to rest, the flowers oft eh sunny South bloom over thee, thy dust mingles with that of the down-trodden and oppressed, whose cause thou didst ever nobly vindicate. Yet methinks thy spirit often revisits the scenes once so dear to thee, whispering comfort and hope to the hearts that mourn thine early departure, and painting thee to a blissful reunion, where disappointments never chill, and where friends never separate. Even now, in this stil evening hour, I seem to hear a sweet, familiar voice, in tones of richest melody, saying, –

Sister, I am happy now,
No anxious fears alloy;
No sorrow clouds my brow,
But perfect is my joy.

My heart no anguish knows,
My throbbing head finds rest;
I lean, in sweet repose,
Upon my Saviour’s breast.

Miss April Advises: CF – My Boyfriend’s Fiance

Dear Miss April

You probably read this a few times before…

I need your precious advice, i’m friends with this sweet caring guy for a few months now, we both live and work in the same place and yes i’m one of those dedicated friends who’s ready to help with anything… plus we had chemistry with that we got closer to the point of kissing once, aware that he has a girlfriend, i made it clear that it was a spur of the moment act and it can’t happen again he told me he thinks his in love with me.. but i couldnt say the same because i felt it was too soon to be sure of that and i am seeing other guys aswell a few days ago he went home for holidays and recently his girlfriend texts me asking me questions about my age and what kind of relationship i have with him… she said she saw his phone and we chat alot but its always sweet friendly conversations it was the first time i spoke to her, she told me they are getting married soon and since they have a distant relationship its hard for her and she wanted to quit this relationship because she thought he was cheating on her with me. she asked me not to tell him that she texted me. i said i knew about her and i insisted we are just friends, and she can’t quit because he really likes her and i know all about them but i honestly dont know, i had no idea they’re getting married! i didnt know it was as serious as the way she describes… i dont want to be the reason they break up. I think he likes me but we dont have a future together and she is probably expecting i should get away from him… its her right, she is the girlfriend, for his happiness i can back away but i don’t know how because i dont want to hurt him.

she still keeps on texting me, asking me if he ever told me anything about her and saying “maybe i am placing you in a complicated situation, but please try to understand my side”

can i ignore her or speak to her and answer her anything she wants to know i want to help but i fear she starts to harass me or makes me feel guilty because i don’t know her… should i tell him about it?

please please lighten my burden miss April 😦

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Dear Miss CF

Other people’s fiances do not make good boyfriends.

Young lady, the first step you have to take in order to make good decisions is to be honest with yourself. Is your dedication to the friendship not slightly tinged with attraction? Your practical side declares that you have no future together. However, here we find you, in the midst of a traditional turmoil of the trio.

I suggest to you to ignore excuses. It is the coward’s path to avoid difficult situations with the pleasing excuse of not wanting to hurt others. Perhaps concentrate more on what is the most honourable act to undertake, because I assure you people are already hurting. If his fiance is forced to approach you with such candor, this speaks of her inability to find the honesty and reassurance from him. This does not have to be your problem at all, but you obviously do feel some responsibility and empathy. I would suggest you respond to her as you yourself would want to be treated in that situation. I would suggest you have every right to be as equally honest with him. I also suggest that you then leave them be. Ultimately, they should be speaking with each other and you should not be involved in what is essentially an intimate affair of the heart.

Personally I find it quite astonishing that an obviously dishonest young man can allure two seemingly open and thoughtful young women! In both friendship and marriage, your partner’s character is key. As always, don’t shy from the probing analyses of yourself and others.

Well wishes to you all.
Yours,
Miss April

Heed Miss April’s Advice!

Unburden your woes, share your troubles, correspond with Miss April here! Shh, confidentiality assured!! You can Tweet Miss April and like her on Facebook!