Home » Miss April Advises » Miss April Advises: Frequent Fornicator (Again!), Data Retention Ills.

Miss April Advises: Frequent Fornicator (Again!), Data Retention Ills.

Dear Miss April,

I have a technical problem, I think. It’s not the medication like last time.

Any way I thought this data retention thing the government was offering sounded great. My hard drive is so slow, due to the enormous amount of images and films I like to have handy. Those things take up digital space and not in a fun way.

So excited by this govt cloud that just keeps everything on your computer in the free Canberra archive, I deleted all my selfies and auto videography. I don’t seem to be able to access the data retention cloud however. It’s a real problem. I have potential new friends on Tinder, Grinder , Emission Impossible and other social networking sites I’m desperate to share some of my most impressive and ,dare I say , unrepeatable personal events, that I managed record ,mostly unassisted.

Is there a back door I can access? A password I’m missing ? I’ve tried the education ministers office as communications ministers a bit busy and all I got was a shrill giggle. Must have been a very wrong number.

I need a new way in. Any ideas ?

Yours (for now)
Frequent Fornicator

Yours truly having a jolly good time drying my plums.

Yours truly having a jolly good time drying my plums.

Why, if it isn’t my dear friend Frequent Fornicator. It has been some time, my dearest. It bears me well to hear from you, although I’m somewhat flummoxed by the plethora of unknown words which you present.

Data retention sounds like a most uncomfortable ailment for which I recommend a spoonful of cod liver oil and a plump Oriental Agen prune imported via the Silk Route (only the best!). Repeat daily for at least one week (if Our Lord can summon all of creation within 7 days than by golly we can cure data retention and rest for Sundays). No doubt you’ll locate the backdoor access once you feel more yourself.

"Can't take any more data...must have prunes..."

“Can’t take any more data…must have prunes…” Image: The Art of Brandis

In terms of passwords and ministers, self-portraits, moving images, clouds and new friends; I’m quite sure you’ve got yourself the solid setting and character structure for a damn fine penny dreadful. Just remember, “you have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide” so says our trusted Government spokespeople, or was that Joseph Goebbels? Who can tell? (Insert guileless titter). Using that logic you must be our Government’s ideal citizen – you want to share EVERYTHING! Good for you, they should use you as poster boy in all future political campaigns. Placard reads: Frequent Fornicator has nothing to hide and votes 1 Liberal/Labour/EitherOne – Hoorah for political activism!

Yours in the clouds,
Miss April

Postscript: My neighbour just enlightened me via tête-à-tête on the use and purpose of grinders and tinders. Stuff and poppycock. I offer you to consider this instead, an excerpt on courtship advice:

Anciently, talismans and charms were relied on for procuring love ; “but it is now many years since the only talismans for creating love are the charms of the person beloved,: By gracefully displaying those advantages which nature has given, and by diligently cultivating the graces which art can bestow, every man may reasonably hope to succeed in whatever aspirations he may form in this direction. In this field, moral qualities prevail far more than physical ; and while few men are possessed of those attractions of form and face which sometimes are successful, all may hope to acquire those qualifications of character, understanding and manners, which more often win the esteem of woman (or man) (or voters – hint hint Party Politicians).

Heed Miss April’s Advice!

Unburden your woes, share your troubles, correspond with Miss April here! Shh, confidentiality assured!! You can Tweet Miss April and like her on Facebook!

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