Home » Miss April Advises » Miss April Advises: Herr Shute, shorts on men in a warming world

Miss April Advises: Herr Shute, shorts on men in a warming world

Hi there Miss April,

This week has been terrible. 40plus degress every day. Im not blessed with Air Conditioning in my daily life. Normally I think it a crime, not unlike SUV’s, but this week I began to revise my opinion. I mean if global warmng doesnt exist then, hey, I MUST have aircon and an SUV and a coal mine and……… .
Anyway, i dont have the means to buy or rudley inherit this kind on unneccesary burden.

Sorry for the rant, its hot and i’m fragile.

My question. when and where is the short acceptable on a fellow? Is there a hem length that should not be breached. I’m quite hersuite from the pelvis up so I need other areas to expose for passive cooling. I dont think a kaftan will cut it at the office but in my inner world I see it as almost manditory.

Quickly please before the next wave of “not global” but local warming.

Yours

Herr Shute.

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Dear Herr Shute

I have lived through many stages of body hair fashion and as such am not one to succumb to a pro-, nor anti-hirsute faction. One is but an ape, if one is to believe the ever remarkable Darwin, and the defining method of separating ourselves from our savage cousins is through proper attire.

To that end I am compelled to declare in unequivocal terms: The wearing of shorts has no place within a civilised society. Unless you are a hurdy-gurdy grinding monkey you must not don the short. Consider your pride. Consider your responsibilities to fellow man. The only exception would be at the hour of exercise, the only ,mind you.

There are many and varied fashion choices for the man of prestige and power during these waves of heat. Some are quite jolly and comfortable for sweltering days, particularly if you commit yourself to the steadfast rejection of the reality of your surroundings. Go on, try it, it works a treat.* I categorize it as Denialist Wear, and it suits my brethren and kin to a tee. I present to you a visual gallery of examples:

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However, let us imagine for a moment that science is real and those pesky extreme heatwaves do return so often they are no longer recognised as ‘extreme’ to our next generation but as ‘normal’ and hopefully survivable. Well, therein lies a tragic dilemma – what to wear? The Denialist line of fashion so thrillingly portrayed by the models above will not suffice in such a scenario, and so I look back to the man I trust the most when I have a seemingly insurmountable conundrum – Jesus. Our Lord wore kaftans. Not wanting to play the race card here, Herr Shute, but is your reticence to don the kaftan implying that you think you are better than Jesus, Shute? Bosh tosh, if not outright blasphemy!

You reveal allure toward the comfort of the holy robe and I am here to assuage your fears and become the wind beneath your wings (so to speak). Go forth Shute, be a man of culture, respect, and comfortable nethers – be that man who makes dresses manly. Stride down the footpath of life as a man of confidence. Don’t worry, they will soon follow (your peers I mean, not those of ill-repute). Why even limit yourself to kaftans? Experiment with the kurta with the array of sumptuous fabrics and colours available from the East. The very sexy sherwani resplendent with silks and gold is excellent for more formal balls and gatherings. Whereby the kilt, aahh, the kilt; well as a single lady from the Empire needless to say I insist my suitors to wear the finest plaid and sporran available to mankind. And yes, they come in summer-weight. As an aside, Herr Shute, just between you and me, if ever I were to surrender my much valued spinsterhood believe me, Mr April-to-be will be donning the glorious kilt of the Highlands.

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I feel it Herr Shute, we are at the dawning of a fashion revolution.

Yours in skirts,
Miss April

Heed Miss April’s Advice!

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