Dear Miss April,
I have been having terrible reflux and the occasional tourettes-like turn. I’m beginning to think I may be allergic to politics.
Apart from avoiding all forms of media and humming loudly to the tunes of Gershwin while in public social spaces, is there anything else I should do to alleviate my discomfort?
Alas, I also think the problem might be airborne as all the pamphlets being fanned at me at every intersection these days are exacerbating my weeping eyes, probably due to the stinging electoral dust being kicked up It’s playing having havoc with my psynuses. Strange though, as the dialogue is void of air or content. Can one be allergic to a vacuum?
Do you think if I took a postal vote and saw you in October, that it would be an effective remedy?
I do hope you can assist.
Tony Christine Rudd
Dear Tony Christine Rudd
I beseech you to stay! A postal vote and month long absence will be as curative as a consumptive convalescing in Bath for the Winter. Do not abandon your kin and kindred at a time when you need them and they need you.
One can be allergic to life, my fine fellow (lady?), so a political vacuum is no doubt most definitely the cause of your malaise. Do not succumb to this treacherous vacuum. It will extract the very essence of you and then abandon you as if you were a syphilitic 19th century mistress. Fill your hole. In fact, fill it with candied dates! I can direct you toward a lady who will be dispensing these sweet treats on voting day to raise the spirits of those such as you. With your candied dates and hole filled, solider on through Saturday with the steely reserve of a true voting Australian; content in the knowledge that they will at the same time cleanse your system and cure your terrible symptoms.
Steadfast and sure we shall go toward, through and beyond,